If wishes were horses…

I think I am scared of being myself.  I recently had an opportunity to join in a youthening ceremony, and I ended up not going.

The day prior to the ceremony, a large storm was moving in, and it looked like it would last until the day of – it didn’t.  We also didn’t have enough gas in the car to get to the location.  If I had forced the issue, I probably could have found a way to get some gas.  I didn’t.

I can’t help but feel that I missed out on something very important to my own growth.

Admittedly, I was a little nervous.  I had no reason to feel that way.  It has taken a while and some meditation before I came to the conclusion that it might just be my fear, unconciously taking control.

All my life, I have been alone in my beliefs.  I never had friends I could share that part of my life with.  Now, I have wonderful friends, and I’m suddenly too scared to open up?  I don’t have the knowledge that comes from experience – when you have been in a certain type of ceremony, even if the details are different, you have a feel for it – you almost know what to expect.  I don’t know what to expect.  And I don’t deal well with uncertainty.  I have been in too many situations where I feel like an utter fool for not knowing something that everyone around me knows.

Maybe if I had more experience I wouldn’t be so self concious.

Maybe if I were someone else.

Eh… Maybe I’m just melancholy.

Autism

Over the past years, you may (or may not) have noticed that there has been a dramatic upswing in the popularity of discussing Autism.  Newspapers, Charities, Magazines, Web, all with a huge number of Autism-related debates, issues, and questions.

I have seen the articles and discussions, and I have stayed out – until now.

I have never been diagnosed as Autistic.  My brothers have never been diagnosed.  My parents decided, at a time when it was the popular thing to do, not to have us tested.  They treated us no different.  My mom’s sister has three children, two of whom are autistic, one severely.  If you were to look at the list of core behaviors, my brothers and I have fully 2/3 of them.  That, in and of itself, does not mean that we are Autistic, merely that our behaviors match with many displayed behaviors of Autistic people.

I was very disturbed to read an article earlier regarding the group “Autism Speaks”.  First, a few facts:

1. Austism Speaks has 0 (Zero, zip, nada) people who are Autistic employees or board members.

2. Austism Speaks recently threatened a 14-year old Autistic woman with legal actions for creating a parody website.

3. Autism Speaks has also threatened legal actions against an Autistic man with legal actions for creating a tee-shirt design that says: “Autism Speaks can go away. I have autism. I can speak for myself.”

Autism Speaks, at first glance, seems to be focused on helping people with Autism to become more self reliant.  However, as you dig a little deeper, it starts to resemble something else entirely.  They have a bunch of Baby Boomers (parents) who are so focused on making sure that *everyone knows* how hard they are  working to cure Autism, that they have lost sight of the real issue.  It’s not about finding a cure.  It’s about making sure that people with Autism are healthy, happy, and enjoying what they choose to do with their life.  There is no reason that people with Autism cannot speak for themselves, stand up for themselves, and the rest of the world had better listen!

Autism Speaks can GO AWAY.  I may or may not have autism.  With or without it, I can speak for myself.  So can ANYONE who has autism.  Just because you don’t like what they say, don’t try to shut them up.

So, the relevant links.

Wrong Planet discussion

AspieWeb.net

Ostrich Hunting and other political things

Ostrich Hunting

Countdown: Golf and Bush

More to come at some point.

I’m not THAT political any more, but some things just fire my blood.

Disappointment and Disillusion

I love my step-son. He and I have gotten along just fine since I first entered his father’s life. He is a great person. He has been raised well, and his mother, despite her other issues, has raised him to be intelligent, conscientious, and kind. He turned 17 last October, and now…? Now I don’t really know him any more.

When he told us he wanted to marry his (second ever) high-school girlfriend, I was concerned. I was worried when his girlfriend’s parents told us that she is an illegal alien. We held an … intervention (for lack of a better term), and explained our concerns, and what sort of issues they would face if they continued on the path of marriage immediately after high-school. He wasn’t much swayed by our words, but one of our friends seemed to really get through. Our friend is one of the most money-conscious people we know. I sat back to see how things developed. Then I was frustrated when I realized that he was so focused on his girlfriend he leaped at the chance to to not visit with us every other weekend.

But now this.

Last night, we got a call from his mother. She was on her way to pick him up. She was given a courtesy call by a state trooper. He was caught in the process, having s-x with his girlfriend. On the side of a highway. With cars passing by. At 11PM. *sigh*

I thought he knew better than this.

State Law: Indecent Exposure – Sex Crime (if caught and charged, it goes on his permanent record showing him as a sex offender). Fine $2,000. Jail 180 days, possibly both.

The trooper was nice enough not to take him to jail. However, I can’t help but think that it would be better if he HAD. The girlfriend would have been deported (illegal immigrant, State Troopers talk to INS). Step-son would have realized the very REAL and BAD consequences of his actions.

His mom took away his phone, car, and internet. He’s not allowed to see his girlfriend during the entire summer. I am removing him from the games he is in. RPG’s are a privilege, not a right. He lied to his mom, he lied to us. And to top it all, he was being stupid about it. Parking on the side of the road is stupid, especially since in a town like where he lives, there are plenty of SAFER places to park.

He has completely disappointed both of us.

An Obituary, Please read.

I didn’t write it, but I firmly believe everyone should read it.  This is not to make you laugh, but to make you understand.  Go here to see where I found it.

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant or wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Idle Hands

Today, I have been working very hard to process a board. Unfortunately, while I have been focusing on nothing except processing this board and getting it out, I have had quite a bit of idle time. Due to the nature of the tools I am using, and the board itself, when I run a process, it typically takes about 3-4 minutes, and sometimes longer, to finish. Now, having an extra two or three minutes while the tool is working away is not a lot of time, but it certainly adds up. It gives me time to let my mind drift a little.

I have been trying to come up with ways to occupy those idle minutes.  Unfortunately, the options I came up with make it seem like I’m not working at all.

I cam up with the following ways:

1. Check Email: I use this one most often, and it means I am often looking at the same piece of mail for 20-30 minutes.

2. Check personal email: I’ve tried this one, but I have never been able to get comfortable doing it.

3. Surf the web: Been there, done that, have the tee-shirt.  Stumble is great for this one. But again, I come up against the problem that when someone walks by, I’m obviously not working (even when I’m just filling a couple of minutes.

4. Look up information: I have done this on occasion, however, there is only so many times one can look up any given piece of information.

5. Read: I only use this one when the Boss is gone.  Everyone else realizes that there are long breaks while the tool runs a process, the Boss thinks I’m slacking.

6. Cross-stitch: Again, only when the boss is gone.

7. (New) Create cross-stitch designs: I have a tool on my home system that I can use to make cross-stitch designs.  Maybe I should see how it would interact with my work tools for use to fill up the waiting time.

8. Writing in my Blog: I have neglected this one, though not intentionally.  This would be a fine way to fill time, except that every entry would be about work.  Also, having that big: “Day-to-Day Witch” at the top of the screen makes it hard to pass off as work if the boss comes by.

What are your ideas?  What do you do when you have forced down-time at work?

Cross-stitching

I am an avid Cross-stitcher.

I have been trying to get back into the swing of it, however until I can get my supplies from storage, I’ll be a little slow. I enjoy cross-stitching so much, in fact, I became a Mentor for it. I will provide lessons on cross stitching for those in my area who want one.

Of course, being the avid stitcher that I am, I discovered a disturbing thing. The stores in my area are slowly removing all cross-stitching supplies. It used to be an entire section, a half dozen aisles, books, threads, tools, you-name-it. Over the years, the number of aisles have dropped, slowly. Not 6 months ago, I could go into one of the stores and find 2 aisles – one for patterns and books, and one for threads and tools. Even the colors they carry has been reduced to “the ones that sell more.” The other day, I walked into the store to find one aisle. One single aisle, with not a book in sight, limited threads and tools, and a severe lack of organization. Right along with their reduction in product, they raised the prices. I don’t like this.

No, that’s not a strong enough wording. I am disgusted by the fact that these so-called craft stores are making it nearly impossible for those of us (who still enjoy creating something from scratch) to find anything to help. All of this, in favor of things like: Stickers (!), Dried flowers, and framing. Did you realize that the “Framing department” doesn’t sell a wide variety of frames any more? The lines they feed us: “I could order that for you (for an itty bitty mark up)” or “One of our framing experts can help you frame that (if you pay double the cost).” However, I digress.

I have decided that a portion of our business will be selling Cross-stitch patterns and kits.  These will be related to gaming, as well as Wicca, and a number of other things.  Once we have the website up, I will post a link.  Until then, anyone wishing to purchase cross-stitch patterns (and possibly supplies), keep your eye out on this blog, I will see if I can create a page here that will show the patterns and kits for sale.

Being Independent

When I was younger, I was searching for meaning behind everything.  I wanted, more than anything, to understand the spiritual mysteries.

As a new Wiccan, a “Seeker of Truth” (Terry Goodkind’s phrase always fit best), I found it increasingly difficult to discuss religion with anyone.  At the time, I was young enough that I was not comfortable going out and meeting anyone, especially since I knew no-one.  I was, and to some extent still am, a wall flower.  I was never terribly outgoing, and although I have tried to reduce the anxiety recently, at that time in my life it was not really possible.

After I got a little older and began really focusing on figuring out my beliefs, I encountered a different difficulty.  I found an outlet on-line to discuss my beliefs, but I quickly realized that, even on-line, I was still not socially accepted.  This was primarily because when I did respond to a discussion, or make a comment, people tended to make degrading comments back.  “You’re too young to understand this.” and “That’s not what REAL wiccans believe” were the two things I heard most often.  The problem was that by being on my own to explore my beliefs, I did what religions have been doing since the first – I borrowed.  I took some beliefs from all of the different religions.  I took, and tried to fit things into my view and understanding of the world, and I whittled away at some things.  I found my own beliefs.

I don’t have all of those still.  My view and understanding of the world is changing and growing every day.  When I find something that seems to fit with my beliefs, I adopt it.  When something doesn’t fit, I try to hem it a little and recycle it.  If it still doesn’t fit, I discard it.

I think that this constantly changing attitude has kept me independent.  I don’t depend on a coven.  I would like to find a coven, and see how things are done when there are more people.  But my beliefs are not restrained or dictated by anyone but myself.

I don’t know if I am just too stubborn to accept another’s restraints, or if I’m just waiting until someone understands what I just said, why I am how I am, and accepts it.

Writing, Life, and Religion, oh my!

I apologize for the delays in adding new posts.  It may sound like just an excuse, but I have been very busy.

At the moment, I am in a brief lull in a hectic day.

At home: We are working on our budget, updating it for our current financial position, and trying to save money for a house.  It looks like we will be staying at the folks house, although not rent free.  It will definitely help up with saving money for a down payment.

I am also trying to find the time to work on the 3 (soon to be 4) RPG’s I am running.  I need to devote two hours a week to each of them.

At work: Each day, when I go to the office, I find that inevitably, at least two more jobs are waiting on my desk.  This wouldn’t be so bad – if that was all I had to do.  A typical day for me goes a little something like this:

8:00 AM – arrive at work, prep day’s to-do list, check email, receive 1-2 jobs to be output “right away”
8:30 AM – begin work on first project
8:45 AM – interrupted to work on high priority job
10:15 AM – finish high-priority job, go back to first job
12:30 PM – send back issue report on first job, begin second job
12:45 PM – interrupt for important admin work
13:15 PM – Go back to second board
14:00 PM – Get called into meeting regarding issue on one of yesterday’s boards.
15:00 PM – get out of blame session and get back to work
15:15 PM – Realize it’s after 3 and grab lunch (brought from home) to eat at desk
15:45 PM – Finish second board
16:00 PM – Receive edited files for first board
17:00 PM – Receive 1-2 jobs to be output “right away”
18:00 PM – Work on first board edited files, finish and output
18:15 PM – Realize it’s after 6 and start prepping to leave
18:30 PM – Walk out the door of the office
18:45 PM – Get back to office and pick up items that got left.
Sprinkle through this, the never ending stream of interrupting phone calls, deliveries, people walking in, sales calls, and people stopping to chat, and you’ve got an easy day.
And of course, if there’s anyone keeping track, on an easy day, I get a couple of jobs complete and add 2-4 more to the to-do list.

Spiritually: I have been trying to find a good balance for spirituality in my life.  I wear my religious symbols, I pray to the Goddess.  I devote time in my every day life, regardless of where I am, to ask for guidance and thank her for the good things in my life.  I am, however, feeling stifled.  I have no one place I can dedicate as a sacred space.  I feel the need for a place to go where I can be at peace, do rituals, etc.

I am searching, at this point, for that delicate balance.  I am not able to make any sort of sacred space at work, because my desk is in the middle of things, and whatever I bring, I have to assume that people will disturb.

I think, primarily, I need to find the time in each day to take some time to meditate.  Recently, the only time I have is in the evenings right before bedtime.  I find that when I try to meditate before bed, I end up falling asleep.  That’s a risk when I use a candle flame as a focus.

Anyway, I don’t want you to think that I’m just another person who starts a blog and drops it.  I have not meant to.

Wicca in the workplace

I work at a small company which is close to merging with a larger one. Up to now, I have had no concerns regarding the place of religion in the workplace. Up to now, of course, I have had at most a half-dozen people to deal with. Now that we are going to be connected to a much larger company, I am slightly concerned for my ‘reception’ with others in the company.

I know that this particular company, like most others that are U.S. Based have strict policies regarding tolerance – however, after working in offices for most of my adult life, I can say that no company policy in the world will prevent someone from acting differently and making you uncomfortable. There is no way to conclusively predict who will be a person like that. If you’re in an office, you can expect that at least one person out of every 10 (or 5, in the bible belt) will subtly try to make you uncomfortable, without getting caught in violating the policies.

My boss, when I first started working here, asked me (correctly, in my opinion), to limit my personal effects on my desk. As I was at the front desk, and had all manner of people coming in, I felt that it was appropriate. At this point, I am due to be moved to a cubicle with the other designers. I plan on bringing a couple of items in to work and decorating my new cube to suit my tastes. I do not believe my boss will set any unreasonable limits on my decorations, but in the end, what is reasonable is often a matter of taste.

I am planning on bringing in a calendar, a pentacle, and a small plant, in addition to my (current decoration) U.S.S. Voyager figurine. I plan on bringing no candles, or incense, and nothing that could be considered dangerous. By bringing any personal items in to the office, I am, essentially, offering those items to be perused and touched by my coworkers, as well as maintenance, security, and cleaning crew. For this reason, I don’t plan on bringing very much at all.

Often, I will not answer fully questions from employees that do not know my religious beliefs. This is, to me, a reasonable precaution. Today, one of my co-workers asked me how my Easter was, commenting that my step-son was too old to hunt Easter Eggs. I told him that we did not have my step-son this weekend, that instead of Easter Eggs, I “did my own thing to celebrate.” He asked what I did. I had, in a way, intended to evade his questions, since I was unsure of his religious practices. By asking me directly, he essentially forced my hand. I am not one to lie. I don’t like telling people that I am not willing to answer questions. I will mildly evade questions but I don’t like doing it. So I told him.

His response: Cool.

As bad as some reactions have been (You’re goin’ to HELL!!!), I don’t think I am ever as grateful for open-minded people as when I get a response like that. Cool. I don’t get that reaction enough.

The people who have poor reactions to other ideas, they give others a bad name. Unfortunately, I don’t think they will ever go away. I think the most we can hope for is the Cool response.