I think I am scared of being myself. I recently had an opportunity to join in a youthening ceremony, and I ended up not going.
The day prior to the ceremony, a large storm was moving in, and it looked like it would last until the day of – it didn’t. We also didn’t have enough gas in the car to get to the location. If I had forced the issue, I probably could have found a way to get some gas. I didn’t.
I can’t help but feel that I missed out on something very important to my own growth.
Admittedly, I was a little nervous. I had no reason to feel that way. It has taken a while and some meditation before I came to the conclusion that it might just be my fear, unconciously taking control.
All my life, I have been alone in my beliefs. I never had friends I could share that part of my life with. Now, I have wonderful friends, and I’m suddenly too scared to open up? I don’t have the knowledge that comes from experience – when you have been in a certain type of ceremony, even if the details are different, you have a feel for it – you almost know what to expect. I don’t know what to expect. And I don’t deal well with uncertainty. I have been in too many situations where I feel like an utter fool for not knowing something that everyone around me knows.
Maybe if I had more experience I wouldn’t be so self concious.
Maybe if I were someone else.
Eh… Maybe I’m just melancholy.
Tags: Wicca
